The Impossible (updated)

I am seeking the impossible. I must be, for I have searched high & low with no luck, and I am a skilled searcher. I want a pair of non-patent, black, peep toe, stacked high heels, and I'm not just talking CFM shoes, because I want to actually be able to walk in them too. Not far, mind you, but walk, nonetheless.

I don't think I am asking a lot. I can find 3 out of the 4 but not a full pull. If you have seen these impossible shoes, please let me know where.

Ok, so today I found pretty much the shoe I described above...however they were matronly. I want sexy shoes, not matronly shoes.

Off to try Kazzy's suggested site. Looks awesome!

Ok, so I found 3 pairs that I like, but still not 100% what I am after. The first two are good, and the last pair would be perfect, if they were 100% leather and 0% polka dots. Off to do some more searching.

Boobs

If you don't care to hear about boobs, then stop reading now. For the record, there will be no pictures.

Does anybody like bra shopping? Maybe some 36B chick somewhere has fun shopping for pretty little decorative items, but seriously, for me it is no fun. I have a rack that needs support, and that is not easy to find. No two fit alike, many are ugly or huge (in terms of coverage) and most are expensive. It is just not a fun time. Ranks right up there with shopping for jeans and bathing suits.

Sometimes being a girl sucks.

Special Things

I recently dug out an old box of memories. I originally went looking for my high school annuals, but I found so much more.

My Mom saved some hair from my first haircut and put it in an envelope for me. My Dad did the same with the first tooth I lost. I found both of those envelopes in the box of special things.

I also found quite a few handwritten letters. These go back some 20+ years, before we used electronic means to communicate. I love that I still have them. They are indeed special things and important to save. Seeing these letters made me want to write. Something I have not done for quite some time, actually. I used to do it a lot. Mostly letters to people, but also sometime just letting the thoughts flood out of my head and onto the paper, for no one to see but me. Those letters, the last ones, contain only the truest of content. If after writing one of those you give it to someone to read you will know what it is to truly bare your soul. Powerful stuff.

In the box of special things I also found several books from my childhood; nursery rhymes & favourite stories. A joy to discover, really.

It has been an odd year and I find myself looking backward more so than forward.

Someone recently reminded me to dream. That it is what we are supposed to do. Somewhere along the way I forgot that. It was an important reminder, and I am glad to have been given it.

100 Things

1. I like to put my thoughts in writing
2. I do not do it enough
3. Mosquitoes love me
4. It is not reciprocal
5. I am an only child
6. I very often feel the need to fix other people’s problems
7. When I was a kid I wanted to be a Veterinarian
8. I love listening to music
9. I have NO talent for making it
10. I am accident prone
11. I was raised to believe I can do anything
12. I read voraciously as a kid
13. I should get back to doing that
14. I am a procrastinator
15. I love staring into the campfire
16. I am generally not a social drinker
17. I drink to get drunk, but I only do this a few time a year
18. I like the sound of Chad Krouger’s singing voice and I love the sound of Tyler Connolly's singing voice.
19. I learned to drive in a 1968 Ford pick-up
20. I knew how to drive stick by age 11
21. I am a sentimentalist
22. My friends confide in me…sometimes so do perfect strangers
23. I securely hold a lot of people’s secrets
24. I give good advice
25. I could play with puppies all damn day
26. I am not superstitious
27. I am a very good judge of character
28. I love to travel
29. I am not squeamish about blood
30. I am intelligent
31. I watch too much TV
32. I love the smell of tomatoes on the vine
33. I am big on details
34. I talk very, very fast
35. My brain is going even faster behind the scenes
36. I giggle like Betty Rubble
37. I am slow to forgive
38. I appreciate a quick whit
39. I have completed the 60k Weekend to End Breast Cancer
40. I am a firm believer in Karma
41. I am good in a crisis
42. I like cold coffee drinks but will not drink hot coffee
43. I cannot read in a moving vehicle without feeling ill
44. My appendix tried to kill me in 2004
45. It damn near succeeded
46. Morphine makes me hallucinate like a son-of-a-bitch
47. I could never become a drug addict
48. I usually have a pretty clear idea of how I want things done
49. I am a keen observer
50. The only bone I have ever broken is my toe
51. I broke the toe two weeks before my 60k walk
52. I stepped on a nail the same day
53. See # 10
54. I do not know what I want to be when I grow up
55. I am prone to road rage, but have it better under control now
56. No really, I do
57. I am strangely captivated by Jacob Hoggard
58. I like to sleep in
59. I learn by doing
60. I like to play crib, my Mom taught me when I was small
61. I have good instincts
62. I am picky about grammar
63. I am the go-to person at my workplace
64. I tend to need to know the reasons why
65. I have one dimple
66. I am not meek
67. I have been in negotiations for two union contracts and also spent 9 weeks on a picket line
68. I wear my Great Grandmother’s ring
69. Change scares me, just a little
70. I have long eyelashes
71. If I am wrong I will admit it
72. I am rarely out of control (see # 17)
73. If I do not know how to do something I will figure it out, or ask – it will get done
74. I manage money for a lot of different groups
75. The smell of Lilies of the Valley reminds me of my childhood
76. I am in awe of the power of the ocean
77. I think petunias are pretty
78. I have philanthropic tendencies
79. I think big pick-up trucks are sexy
80. I love a starry night
81. I very often catch the time 12:34 on the clock, and it is not intentional, it just happens
82. I feel zero guilt that my blog is long neglected
83. I love powerful thunder & lightning storms
84. I had my last cigarette on Jan 1, 2000
85. I like having my toenails painted
86. Currently they are blindingly pink with dainty little white flowers
87. I want to go to Egypt, and Scotland, and Australia…I have a lot of wants
88. I enjoy what I do for work
89. I’ve been doing it for way…too...long
90. Proper spelling is important to me
91. I like to reminisce
92. My longest friendship spans 34 years and is ongoing
93. I don’t trust easily
94. I am a planner
95. I really like old Craftsman style houses, like 100 + years old
96. I can be bossy
97. I could drink bellinis all day long
98. One day I will
99. I can curse a blue streak, and sometimes actually do
100. I am long past due for a sunny beach vacation

Alligators

Alligators...I'm up to my ass in them. Seriously, I don't think I'm going to come up for air again until the Easter long weekend. I've got plenty to say, don't think I don't, but I just have no freaking time to write the shit down. Oy!

Random thought of the day; I need a hair cut.

I'm A Good Mom

I'm a good Mom. I've always believed I was but recently someone told me, and it felt really great to hear. I'm not your typical Mom and my beloved is not your typical offspring. My baby is a black Labrador Retriever, named Coal. He was gifted to me by Barney as a wedding present. He is beautiful, and smart, and funny, and sly. He is special to me in every way, and he is especially different in one way. He has eilepsy. I do for him what any Mom does and I fight for him in every way and make sure he has the best of what he needs and wants. The irony is that allegedy there was concern that I would end up being epileptic, but instead it is my sweet boy dog who is afflicted, and not I. The universe is funny that way.

Grand Plans

I had grand plans for my two weeks off work. I did not accomplish anything remotely grand. On the upside, I do feel well rested and that's been a long time coming. So, I take it back. I feel grand.

On the downside, my alarm clock is going to ring its fool head off at 5:45 am tomorrow and I'm going to have to get up. Fuck!

Perception Is Reality - Part Deux

Ahhh, the holiday season. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and during our absence this year, it was the time when the shit hit the fan. The way we work it is that each year Barney & I alternate which family we spend Christmas with, and this year we were with my family. As luck would have it, this is the year the Rubble family bullshit came to a head. In a way I'm sorry to have missed the show because now I have to form opinions on hearsay and not what I witnessed myself, however this issue is far from resolved so there will be more shit coming down.

I touched ever so briefly on this subject here, but I've barely scratched the surface.

Barney comes from a family of 4 children, 2 boys & 2 girls, and all siblings are married. Barney is the oldest child and so he has seen most of what went on in his family. Mom & Dad are both alive and well and involved to varying degrees in the lives of each of their 4 children, however one of the Sisters has been more dependant on the parents, both through her teen years and well into adulthood. This Sister wields the perceived power. The targets, those would be her parents, my in-laws (M & M).

Having married into this family, I know full well that there is history there deeper and more vast than I will ever know. I only have 10 years in with this clan, and the bullshit has been running deep since the Sister was a kid. The other siblings talk about how "L" is just that way and is just like that, and always has been and always will be. According to Barney trying to talk sense to "L" would be like banging your head against the wall. Nothing gets through to her.

The issue? Well, it's complicated, I guess. In a nutshell, M & M twist themselves into pretzels to meet the needs of, and satisfy the demands of their youngest daughter. They do this to the disgust and detriment of their other 3 children. The reason, I believe, is that they are afraid of the consequences should they fail to follow through. One possible consequence, as I understand it, was that they would not be allowed access to their Grandchild. Whether a real threat or just a perceived threat, I cannot say for sure, but an effective one nonetheless. It's to the point where M & M act like gatekeepers and not only run their own game with "L" but they also run interference on any actions the other 3 siblings would like to take. It's frustrating for them to not see the issues get addressed and I'm sure it feels to them like "L" is being rewarded for her bad behaviour. I believe it is only out of respect for their parents that the other 3 siblings have not taken a harder line with this. That goes for me too as I was going to give her a dose of medicine but got talked down.

From my perspective I do not believe that "L" could completely withdraw from her parents. She needs them too much to do her bidding. What is particularly perplexing to me is that back in the day, when this threat would have first arisen, she was completely and utterly dependant on them for everything. She was a teenage Mother, lived with her parents, was supported by her parents, needed her parents, and so how the hell could that threat actually carry any weight with M & M? I don't understand why anyone took this seriously, which brings me back again to perception = reality.

Over the holidays several things came up and decisions were made that broke the family into and "us" & "them" situation, with M & M trying to remain neutral and keep everybody happy. They basically twisted themselves into their usual pretzel shapes. Anyway, the result was that the "us" & the "them" went their separate ways, each making their own decisions and one of the results was that nobody spent Christmas together.

This past Boxing Day Barney's Brother & his Wife ( T & T) hosted an Open House. All branches of the family were present, except for us (still out of town) and "L"'s family. Apparently at some point "L"'s Husband showed up at the function, not to participate, but to say how "L" is fed up with all the gossip going around and he said "L" and M & M have to get together and deal with their problems. He states that SHE's tired of everyone talking behind her back and not communicating directly with her!

All of this bullshit was just too much for my SIL "T" to take and she let him have it with both barrels. She just laid it all out there and said what many of the rest of us have been thinking. Have I mentioned that I love my SIL? Seriously, she's a straight shooter and for this and for many other reasons, she's one of my favourite people.

Anyway, while "T" does not regret anything she said she does somewhat regret the manner & some of the colourful language used. (She & I are colourful people, the rest of the clan we married into, not so much).

And so we will now enter 2007 with nothing resolved, the air thick with all of the heretofore unsaid thoughts, and I'm interested to see where we end up.

What A Week

It’s been an interesting week.

There's a road hazzard in my neighbourhood who drives a marked company vehicle. He's a tool. He's an HOV cheater and shortly he's going to be getting a whole lot of negative attention. Where's my phone book?

On my way home from work on Friday there was a car accident. One that I should have seen coming, and yet somehow, I truly didn’t. It’s a bit of a confusing intersection, with 2 lanes in each direction. In one direction there are 2 through lanes, although you can make a left turn from the left lane. In the other direction one lane is a through lane, while the other is a mandatory right turn lane. Anyway, I was making a left turn from the left lane and while I was completing my turn the car immediately behind me was hit head on. I heard the horrific metal on metal crash and it was so loud I thought surely I’d been hit, but when I looked in my side view mirror I could see it wasn’t me. I pulled over, turned off my vehicle, put on my hazards and hurried over to see what the hell was going on. The car behind me was driven by a young woman, and on impact her airbags had deployed. When I reached her car it had filled with smoke and she was still sitting it, stunned and obviously in shock. Some man helped me wrenched her car door open and I got her out and took her over to the median to sit. I noticed her car was still pumping out smoke and realized it was still running. I went back and turned it off and grabbed her keys & her purse for her.

By this time there were a few of us trying to help and since traffic was essentially blocked one guy was trying to direct traffic. I went over to a guy driving a yellow cube van to see if he had a fire extinguisher. Again proving that it's a small world, the guy ended up being someone I used to work with. No extinguisher but he did call 911 for me.

By this time I noticed the driver of the other vehicle, a mini van, was out and wandering about. He was quick to talk about maybe being hurt but would not heed my suggestion to sit down and rest. He was much more interested in establishing blame. Shortly afterwards the emergency vehicles arrived and suffice to say that all departments were well represented. Since there was nothing else I could offer I left. I believe the guy who was directing traffic must have witnessed the accident and he stayed behind. I’m still dumbfounded about how this could have occurred within 10 feet of me, yet I never saw the oncoming vehicle. The only thing I can imagine is that the driver of the van had been in the right hand turn lane, and then cut over, illegally, to go straight, and the vehicle behind me thought the intersection was still clear. All I know for sure is that when I commenced my left turn there was nobody even close to me in the oncoming through lane. Nobody.

In other news, I found out last week that the Dad of one of my High School friends had died of cancer. My Mom is fighting cancer. The friend's Dad was my Dad’s age. It’s been 20 years since we graduated High School. Some things never change, nor some people. The guys who would hang out and drink in the parking lot in High School did that today in the parking lot of the funeral home. It was a very odd and yet familiar sight.

Today a group of 8 of us school friends gathered to attend the service for our friend’s Dad. I won’t say it was a memorial service because it felt more like a celebration of his life. I did not know the man, but by the end of the service I felt as though I had. I certainly knew more about his son, my friend. This passing of a parent is the beginning the inevitable. One day it will be my turn to talk about my parents and share the essence of who they were. I’m not ready.